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SFR Archetypes: A Parody
AUTHOR: Maybelle

(The original version of this article appeared in Love Notes, the newsletter of the MCRW RWA chapter, in August 2004. Links at the end of the article.) Some of you mighta seen my piece that talked about THE COMPLETE WRITER?S GUIDE TO HEROES & HEROINES by Tami Cowden, Caro LaFever and Sue Viders. Well, a funny thing happened to me, which I can't tell you too much about because my author-friend ain't finished writing it. There was these alien guys kidnapping human women for sex and I wanted me a piece of that and.... But a little annoying as crap bird tells me I digress. Anyways, that first article only covered Earth men and women and how the archetypes them brainiac ladies came up with got it wrong in spots. Now that I've been to another galaxy and back, I thought you futuristic romance writers might want my insights and expert tease on the characters of people not from Earth. First off, you'll notice if you read them books the alien dudes are from Earth past or we're some lost colony or something like that. So we can make whoopie and babies and such, no problems. What that also means for writing with archetypes is: They Ain't Much Different, They Just Got Laser Guns. Oh, and the males got big ole big oles, if you know what I mean. I?m going to list the type of person you?ll encounter in the Milky Way first and then the original GUIDE archetype second. *** The King of the Galaxy (aka the Chief): King-dude may or may not be on the women snatching expedition, but you'll meet him sooner or later if you get kidnapped. He's got to be the boss of everybody, he knows everything, and he ain?t never wrong. He thinks this one Earthling girl with a bad attitude is his destined mate, fated by the Traxian Seers or something, so the rest of the kidnap victims just have to hope she gains weight or cheats on him so they can get their chance. He?s got plenty of trillium coins and a fancy spaceship, plus if you make it alive to the altar and the royal wedding, you get to be Queen of the Galaxy. Also, this guy might not come home much on them long Alpha Centauri nights, but it's because he's working late, making planetary laws and such, and not working his stellar secretary. Even when his secretary is a really hot Earthling who sneaks away from her assigned spaceman and offers to show the King of the Galaxy how to "take dictation". The Dispossessed King of the Galaxy Who's Too Pissed and Horny to Do Anything About It Just Yet (aka the Bad Boy): He needs a haircut and a shave and he?s probably done some time on the prison planet Moltar. The trick to understanding the Dispo'd King is that he cops his attitude because he knows it?ll get him more women and it?ll rile the King-Dude, whom he hates with a red hot passion because Kingie had his stealth spaceship repo?d and kicked him off the throne and stuff. You can?t trust this type around your girlfriends, especially not if he swears up and down he loves only you. Even when this guy ticks off the Ursa Major Police Force, he don?t care cuz he?s always got some old gal dumb enough to come break him off Moltar. Use him for sex when the spaceman you were given to after the 'napping goes off to war, but use about three layers of Venusian body condoms. Whatever you do, don't try to convince him he should quit being so pissed and go for the throne because then he won't be nearly as horny. What fun is that? The Gruff Alien Bodyguard Assigned to the Destined Mate of the King of the Galaxy (aka the Best Friend): This guy never dates and he?s funny looking, like actual alien instead of human with big woobie. He starts out like he don't care since he?s secretly in love with the destined mate of the King of the Galaxy, but after a while he sees your inner Earthling hotness, I mean, goodness and helps you escape from your assigned space mate or some perverted masher or whoever else is after you. You can even talk him into sneaking you into the King of the Galaxy?s bedroom when Kingie-poo thinks he?s meeting his destined mate there. If the King?s mother finds you first, he might even help you come up with a decent excuse to be there. One word of caution. If you get drunk on Talaxian ale after your crushing disappointment and give the Bodyguard some, he?ll transfer his crush to you. Just be sure you want that because he might turn into a stalker when you dump him, and all your abductee friends will be mean to you for hurting the poor sweet alien. Not that they?d go out with him. I mean, green tentacles, and not in the right places. The Wastrel Brother of the King of the Galaxy Who Secretly Wants to Be King of the Galaxy (aka the Charmer): This one's real good looking, but watch out. He?ll sell you the zhilk shirt on your own back and leave you naked and alone at a deserted moonbase. Which you don't even want to know what you have to do to get rescued from. Yes, he?s smooth as Kryptonian Exlax from his facial to his pedicure. He?s down with the Ursa Major Police Force, too, unlike the Dispo'd King, and anyway, he can talk the Pops out of chucking him onto Moltar if he crosses the line. The key to the Wastrel is he?s jackass lazy but would snap up the chance to be King, even if it meant some illicit shenanigans like seducing the King's destined mate so the brokenhearted King flies his spaceship into the sun in an attempt to slingshot around it to go back in time and convince her he really loves her. Well, too bad he picked such an idiot mate instead of a clever, sexy gal like yourself in the first place, huh? Splat and sizzle, King-Dude! The Confused Grouch Who Don't Realize He's Actually King of the Galaxy But Was Hidden Away at Birth by His Fat Alien Nanny (aka the Lost Soul): What can you say about this guy? He?s always gloomy as a Plutonian night, always in a rotten mood. Sure, he?s romantic at first when you crash on his planet in your stolen ship, but then he decides you?re gonna take off back to Earth and leave him. Most of the time he won?t take you out to the Cantina, he just wants to sit on his planet that nobody else lives on because it used to be a toxic waste dump and brood. If there?s any clothes in his closet that ain?t black uniforms, it?s because it?s yours. He colors dingle prisms or plays Centaurian uz-guitar or whatever, and he?s broke. He spends a lot of time mind-melding with the glowing creatures that have sprung to life in the toxic dump, and nothing you say can convince him that star-shaped birthmark on his ass means he's supposed to be King until it's time for his book in the series. By then, you're probably back on Earth fighting the prejudice of the once-abducted. The Very Humanoid Robot Belonging to the King of the Galaxy (aka the Professor): This 'bot will make you feel dumb as a bottle of peroxide. He works for King-Dude in a tiny windowless room with the mainframe computer that has a sexy woman's voice and never sees the light of the two suns. He?s real pale and talks like a Vulcan dictionary. King-Dude runs all his galactic campaigns based on the advice of this 'bot. Even though he's such an advanced AI that he's got a soul, he lets himself get used without credit. If you decide to find out just how fully functional his creator made him, he's willing to give it a whirl but then says taking you out or buying you gifts is illogical. Hello, after what you just did for him? The good thing is, he's one of the few besides the King of the Galaxy who can keep it in his skintight silver pants, and he can do amazing things without his pants once you get him to download a bunch of them sex books into his mechanized brain. The Reckless Brother of the King of the Galaxy Who Turned Space Pirate and Has Little Desire to be King of the Galaxy (aka the Swashbuckler): Used to be, the Spare Heir just played Galactic Yuffball or lazed around seducing women and stuck close to the home planet, but this new breed spends his time doing extreme planet sports to disguise his pirating habits. This guy can nail a kidnapped Earthling gal, sure, after he raids the ship and steals the box of diamilli she hid in, but after the anti-grav sheets are down, he?s Mr. Commitmentphobe. Can you believe that? You give him the time of his life, Earth style, and he's all, "It's Over." He thinks women and other items stolen from the Ursa Major Police Force cramp his extreme pirating lifestyle. He sells them all and spends the credits on gear for his spaceship. Worse, he sells you back to the spaceman you were assigned to in the first place. Who ain't real happy you took off again, after the moonbase episode, but what's he gonna do? Kidnap another chick? Like he's got the clearance--or the transport beam--for that. The Self-Righteous Bastard Who Thinks He Should Be King of the Galaxy So He Starts a War (aka the Warrior): This spaceman loves to fight. He wants to bust somebody?s asteroid on a regular basis. If he can?t get somebody to pay him to hop in his Stingray Ship and blow stuff up, he?ll drum up a crusade, like oust the King, so he?ll have an excuse to heat up his laser gun. Most of this archetype is pure physical, but they?s a few scrawny ones who find other ways to fight, with their so-called brains. He?s one of the only archetypes happy to mess with King-Dude. The difference is this guy don?t care if his butt gets kissed once he wins. In fact, after he wins, he just takes off to find another fight. Ain?t that just like a man? He has no plan for how to fix a planet after his Death Star done shot it up. He ain?t a good choice to latch onto when you're trying to shed the dud of a space stud you were assigned after the original 'napping. Let me tell you, being a camp follower in the stars gets old fast. *** Okay, that?s the men, what they?re like once you get out in the stars. I hope these archetypes help you come up with some realistic stories. I?m really just writing down what anybody would notice about the types of people she meets when abducted by mating-crazed space men. With the women in space, the first thing you?ll notice is many of the chick archetypes are also abductees from Earth. This is when they ain't somebody's mom, sister or ex-hussy. For whatever reason, the men of space often get a female shortage and that's why they come after us. Plus the Traxian Seers keep sending them here, like the seed of destiny is on our little blue planet. Maybe so, and maybe it?s because Earth girls are easy. You be the judge. The Queen of the Galaxy (aka the Boss): She's not actually the King's Wife, she's his Mom, and she's either evil or misguided. You can tell by her tight silver power gown--women in space always wear gowns and never pants--her intricate hairstyle, her missing sense of humor, and her way of mistreating her very human robots when she thinks nobody's looking. She climbed her way up the royal ladder by using everybody?s heads as rungs. She works long hours to keep her son in the Kingship and she?s rich as all get out. Her husband, the King's daddy, is MIA, so she pins all her hopes for conquest on her sons. Why she don't just take over herself I don't know. And is this woman ever critical! Why are you hiding in my son's bedroom? Why do you have that Venusian love potion? You'd think she'd be happy so many fertile Earthlings have an active interest in her son, considering the female shortages they?re always suffering. Maybe she don?t really want grandbabies. The King of the Galaxy's Ex-Girlfriend (aka the Seductress): Maybe deep inside, the Ex ain't that bad, but we all got choices, right? And she chooses to use sex as her ladder to hopefully end up Queen of the Galaxy--Married to the King version. She also uses sex as a bribe and as entertainment. Since she's a villainess, she might get kinky with her bad self, so watch out for that, I mean, unless you're into it. Some other abductees might be like ?Ew, I?m straight,? but I figure, when in space, right? Aside from that, she loves nothing more than taking the current Queen's secret boyfriend, turning him into a pretzel, and getting you blamed, of all things. One fun game to play is tell the Ex you really fancy the spaceman you were originally assigned to so you can watch her try to seduce the big lummox. If this woman pretends to befriend you after all that, don?t forget she cannot be trusted, and if she says she'll get you a reliable spaceship and help you escape, do not believe her. Not for a Galactic minute. The Earthling Captured by the King of the Galaxy Because He Thinks She's Destined to Be His Mate (aka the Spunky Kid): After the big 'napping, this archetype sits around making sarcastic comments about scifi movies, eating every fattening alien food they offer, and refusing to believe she's actually on a space ship. If those Traxian Seers hadn't seered her, she'd have been of no interest to the King of the Galaxy. She?s kind of a wuss, too. Case in point, when she comes up with some great escape plan to get you and the other Earth women free once you've gotten your alien kicks, she'll let you take credit for her ideas. If you plan to attract the King of the Galaxy, whatever you do, do not let this woman get a makeover. Because put her hair up and suddenly she's the most beautiful creature on or off Earth, which is stupid because you're the one who did aerobics for six months and got the facial peel before getting yourself abducted by aliens. And now this? Come on. The Freaky Friend Who Warned The Destined Mate She Was About To Go On a Long Journey (aka the Free Spirit): The Freak gets scooped up by the woman-snatching transport beam and kidnapped, too, because the beam snags all the women gathered for the Freak?s s?ance. Do not ever let this archetype be the speaker for the newly kidnapped Earth women or the alien men will think you're all freaks and try to send you back. This chick is a real nutcase, and she?d lose her head if it weren?t attached to her neck. The thing is, she always seemed like she wasn't from Earth nohow, and it might be she's a secret agent who picked out the best Earthlings to kidnap. In fact, she might be that interfering Traxian Seer who thought the shrew with the big ass should get the King of the Galaxy instead of you and then joined with all the other bit--, I mean, women, to give her that damn makeover. The Whiny, Helpless Abductee Who's Scared of So Much Stuff It's Sickening (aka the Waif): In decades past, the Destined Mate was known to fall into this archetype, but just like the Spare Heir used to stick around the home planet and plot, these days the Destined Mate is a different sort. Now, the Whiner is a secondary character. Whatever bad happened to you, worse stuff happened to her. Whatever was going on in your life before the 'napping, her life was more mixed up. She can?t do nothing for herself but complain and snivel, and everything is somebody else?s fault. She didn't want to be kidnapped, she wants to go home, she misses her stuffed bear Pookie, she's scared of the alien men's penises, you name it. Your captors might get frustrated with the Whiner at first because she cries all the time, but damned if she don?t end up with the best looking, most musclebound of the space men aside from the King who dotes on her and basically thinks she's the sweetest thing since Gerdundish cookies. He ain't the King, though. He's just some widowed with two small children five sunburst General of All Galactic Armies. The Control-Freak Friend of the Destined Mate Who?s Only In The Book So the Next Book Can Be About Her and the King's Brother, Pick One (aka the Librarian): You may think a Control-Freak would try to organize the galaxy once she gets there, but not in this book. She was only at that s?ance because she worried her good friend the made-over shrew was going off the deep end. She's the one who figures how to hack into the spaceship computers and learns the alien men ain't gonna chop you up for food. She also keeps her cool in the face of tragedy when certain people are running around screaming and cussing after they find out what kind of ugly ass space man they?re getting assigned to. The King of the Galaxy eventually lets her go because, hell, she's so boring (in this book) nobody wants her as a mate except that short, hairy Dergwillian brute with the runny nose. Which thank God your ugly ass space man is better than that. Girlfriend never has any excitement, even getting kidnapped by aliens, so do her a favor. Get her drunk on Talaxian ale, call up one of the King's brothers, and get her laid, setting her up for her own book, where she'll suddenly have a much less boring personality. The Alternate Archetype of the Destined Mate When She Realizes the Very Human Robots are Mistreated (the Crusader): Sometimes the Mate morphs into this archetype if she happens to get to know the King of the Galaxy's 'bot, though not in THAT way, because she?s not like that, blah blah blah. Upon switching to this archetype, she becomes about as much fun as cleaning Moltarian prison toilets. Her crusade for equal ?bot rights is like the weight of the universe on her shoulders. Though she?s a total drag to be around, her fervor impresses the King almost as much as the makeover. Not only is she the most beautiful creature on or off Earth who did nothing to get that way except eat a bunch of alien carbs and let somebody put mascara on her, but she's the smartest, holiest, and most righteous. She refuses to marry the King until he changes the ?bot laws. This archetype in another form might show up at your door when you get back from your adventure, demanding you remove yourself and your bad influence out of her neighborhood. You'd think a gal who escaped the aliens would get some respect, but speak to one group of teen-agers at a graduation ceremony about getting abducted when they turn eighteen if they want to have a real good time, and so many of your former fans turn on you. The Other Alternate Archetype of the Destined Mate When It Turns Out She Has Magical Healing Powers (The Nurturer): This one's better than the prig in the previous section, even though the King of the Galaxy is definitely gonna go through with the royal wedding once the Mate evidences the mystical long-lost powers of the Ancient Shooshoo. When she gets all healy, girlfriend wants to start popping out babies, too, and coos over every kid and animal you happen to cross paths with. Especially if it?s wounded in some way so she can go into a glowy trance and heal it. But it seems the mystical powers sap whatever was left of her brain after all the hairspray involved in her makeover because suddenly she's dumb as a moonrock and can be played for a fool by any Wastrel or Bastard. That's when the idiot King of the Galaxy tries his slingshot around the sun routine. My advice? When this pseudo villain comes looking for the Dumb Blonde of Contrived Vengeance, pretend to be her and offer up your own body as a sacrifice. It gets you out of the palace, and when they find out you aren?t the Dumb Blonde they thought you were, they'll dump you back on Earth where the dud of a stud ain?t got clearance to re-kidnap you. I mean, after a while, you?ve been there and done all that and realize it's time to return to good ole Terra Firma Alabama. *** Author?s Note: if this article seems like it?s really departed from the spirit of THE COMPLETE WRITER?S GUIDE TO HEROES & HEROINES, keep in mind it?s a parody of a parody. Yes, my alter ego Maybelle and I couldn?t leave well enough alone. Twice. You can find the original parody here: http://www.mcrw.com/lovenotes/maybellearchetypes.htm You can see an overview of the archetypes that the original article parodied here: http://www.tamicowden.com/archetypes.htm