Vampires: A Field Guide
AUTHOR: Jody Wallace

You?re in a dark and deserted alley taking a shortcut to your car when suddenly a dark and ominous figure steps out of the blackest shadows into your path. Your heart pumps faster and your blood races, and the figure inhales appreciatively. It flashes you a smile and you see the dim light in the alley glint on sharp incisors. Yes, my foolish alley-walking friend, you have encountered one of the fearsome dwellers of the mysterious night, a vampire. Whether or not you are going to end up dead, slightly drained or wholly delighted depends upon what type of creature your vampiric lurker is and whose literary construction you have taken that dark alley into.

For those of you who might be in this situation, who hope to be in this situation, or who are just curious, I have painstakingly (don?t say stake!!) compiled a field guide to the more common types of bloodsuckers one might encounter in SFR land. Ask the vampire gazing longingly at your jugular the following questions to determine his type:

Is the vampire evil?

A: I fear I am evil and not fit to touch the hem of your gown.

B: No, just a little alien.

C: We tend to take what we need from humans, but does that make us evil? Ok, some of us are evil.

D: Only when driven to the dark side from the lack of sex, I mean, soul mating.

E: No more or less than we were as mortals.

F: Yes, but some can have more or fewer redeeming qualities -- such as a really nice chest.

G: Does self-centered count as evil?

H: My mind encases a raging beast I must keep under control, but that doesn?t make me evil, does it?

I: It is a bit evil how we are forced to live, but many of us try to do good with our long lives.

J: Most of us are no more evil than you are. Most of us are even nicer than you are.

K: I?m one of the good guys, and I see to it bad vamps go boom and good vamps stay that way.

L: No, I generally fight the forces of darkness.

Is the vampire cursed?

A: Cursed, driven from the light of the pure sun, forever!

B: Are you kidding? I?m a really nice guy! I was born a vampire, not made into one or cursed.

C: Maybe by some former lovers?or spurned suitors.

D: how many times do I have to tell you, I?m not a vampire, I?m a Carpathian!

E: Cursed to take the blood of mortals, I sometimes loathe myself for the monster I?ve become. I?d consider rehumanization if given the option.

F: It's not a curse; it's a life . . . um death choice.

G: Alas, yes.

H: I am often cursed by the competition when I make it to the bestseller list.

I: Many of us who long to become mortal but some love never getting wrinkles and gray hair.

J: It?s a gift. A blessing, really.

K: No, I?m alien.

L: I?d say transformed, not cursed.

Can the vampire handle any degree of sunlight?

A: The rays of the blessed sun would send me flaming to the deepest, blackest pits of Hell?where I belong.

B: I burn easy, so I tend to avoid the sun. But I do own some effective Ray Bans.

C: We?re strongest at night, but a tan looks great on me.

D: A little here, a little there, but I?ll never be tan.

E: The children of my mortal love and myself can walk again in the sunlight, but, unless infused with mortal blood, I am nocturnal.

F: Nope.

G: After a time, we can condition ourselves.

H: Not unless I?m ready to see the dawn in a metaphorical sense.

I: The dawn is lost to us.

J: I love the nightlife! I love to boogie!

K: It depends.

L: If I have my native earth, I can handle anything.

Does the vampire sleep in the daytime?

A: After about 300 years, I am no longer entirely helpless during the sunlit hours I yearn for.

B: I made stained glass windows to filter out the sunlight but get lethargic just around dawn.

C: My most restful sleep comes with the dawn.

D: Older individuals can stay awake a bit, just enough to catch the Today show.

E: I do if I?ve been up all night hunting?or loving.

F: Not unlike small children, the older the vampire the less sleep he needs.

G: The night is much more mysterious, so we sleep during the day.

H: Like the dead?er, undead.

I: Well, the nighttime is the best for conducting business?anything from eating to performing in Las Vegas magic shows.

J: Not quite like the dead, for we are not dead, but we sleep very deeply.

K: My police work really takes it out of me.

L: Take my dirt away from me, and I?m one tired bloodsucker.

Does the vampire sleep in a coffin?

A: The coffin reminds me of the eternal dark that is my soul, so sometimes I sleep in a LazyBoy recliner instead.

B: No, I like a nice feather bed.

C: Not unless it?s a really comfortable one. I also have to keep my native soil close by as vampires get their strength from the earth.

D: I prefer to call it ?going to ground?. I like to be surrounded by rich, healing soil, not a box.

E: Some do, some just go underground and some have special cellar rooms where they like to sleep. I?m a coffin man myself.

F: It depends on whom the vampire is sleeping with.

G: Only as a fashion choice.

H: As if!

I: No, and I don?t need any dirt in my bed, either.

J: Many of us do, except for former royals who require extra luxuries. Coffins are so much easier to hide and safeguard.

K: No.

L: No, madam, that?s quite gloomy, don?t you think?

How does the vampire handle feeding time?

A: I have learned I can live with only a quaff of human blood weekly, but when the anger at my lot in life o?ertakes me, woe betide the mortal who crosses my path! And oh, how could I have bitten such an innocent creature! I am a beast!

B: If I can?t get my O+, I suppose I can grab a bottle of Tarda Water.

C: Blood tastes good, but otherwise I?m rather fond of jambalaya. When we feed on humans we are sure to dispose of the leftovers in a careful fashion.

D: We do not kill the humans we feed upon. We send them on their way with their small cuts healed and no memories of the event. Were we to take the life of our prey, we would turn evil and be hunted by our former brethren.

E: I feed on humans through my extendable fangs, what do you think they?re for, looks? If I don?t kill my victim when feeding, I will cloud the mind so they forget the horrible event. Plus I seek out the dregs of society to feed upon.

F: A little taste of willing human here, a little vintage bovine there, whatever takes the edge off the hunger.

G: I just wish I could bottle this stuff?Oh, wait, I can, and keep it in the fridge. Otherwise I can go find a donor.

H: I like to combine my feeding with a little?or a lot?of consensual sex.

I: Humans who are dying or who deserve it anyway are our preferred prey.

J: A great hunger for living blood can overcome us, but most of the time we are happy with take-out from a blood bank.

K: Regimented "hunts" come from a selected list of approved victims. We can go years between hunts, subsisting on packaged blood and donations from lovers or a harem.

L: Any blood will do, but it is best when mixed with heightened emotion. I can also subsist on the emanations from my native soil.

Does the vampire require an invitation to enter a home?

A: Luckily no, as I would never get invited anywhere, for none would welcome my cursed self.

B: Isn?t it impolite to enter a home in your world uninvited?

C: No, we can blend in with humans a lot better than that!

D: I insist that you not refer to me as ?vampire?. I am not a vampire.

E: Just try and keep me out.

F: Yes, but if a vampire looks really hot, invitations aren't hard to come by. And, of course, if the vampire is carrying something really heavy for you then it's only polite to invite them inside.

G: Yes.

H: Why don?t you ask your wife/husband?

I: No, we come and go as we please, which is a problem because it also means evil vampires can materialize right in our living rooms.

J: What a crock. No.

K: Yes.

L: No, but it would be rude of me to just barge in like some sort of stooge.

Does the vampire cast a reflection in a mirror?

A: Why would I want to view my bestial countenance, though it be as black as sin or as beautiful as a fallen angel?

B: I work with glass for a living and mirrors are a form of glass, so what do you think?

C: Yes, which makes trying on clothes more fun.

D: If you call me a vampire one more time, idiot human?

E: No.

F: I don't think it's come up in the first two books, but hey, how else would they do their hair.

G: No, and in photographs we are oddly blue, which kind of eliminates a movie career.

H: You won?t figure out what I am by using this trick.

I: I haven?t checked recently.

J: As a matter of fact, no, but if we?ve just fed we look fine without needing a mirror.

K: Yes.

L: If I did it would be a very sophisticated one.

Can the vampire tolerate the presence of crosses?

A: Lo, for God has forsaken me and I cannot bear the sign of the cross. Worse, I have forsaken myself.

B: My work has had me installing stained glass windows in churches without great pain.

C: A cross will weaken some vampires, but some of us are regular churchgoers.

D: You are beginning to annoy me with your senseless questions.

E: Not so far, but I?ve been thinking of building up an immunity.

F: Bad news, but only if the wearer believes.

G: Sure, as long as nobody pokes one through our chests.

H: Yes, and I?ve even been known to make the sign of the cross when particularly disturbed.

I: Unfortunately, no.

J: Yes, as long as it?s not an ugly neon one in bad taste, not matching my d?cor.

K: Yes.

L: Yes, I can. In fact, I?ve been called a ?Saint? many times.

Is the vampire burned by holy water?

A: Again with the God has forsaken me bit.

B: Did you say Tarda water? Tasty stuff.

C: Some vampires are burned by it, yes.

D: Why in the world would that hurt me? I can heal myself with my own spit.

E: A bit.

F: It?s like acid, leaving big, nasty deforming burns, but good for after-vampire-bite first aid.

G: Not that I know of.

H: I?m a devout Catholic; give me a break!

I: Unfortunately, yes.

J: The differences in us are physical, not spiritual, so of course not.

K: Somebody tell me how water can burn you?

L: No, I am not.

Is the vampire affected adversely by garlic?

A: Hateful, nasty stuff! Keep it away from my dark, agonized soul!

B: Not exactly, but my esophagus is too narrow for anything besides blood or Tarda water.

C: A lot of garlic in a victim?s blood can make a vampire sick as a dog.

D: Are you adversely affected by these cloves of garlic I?m about to shove up your nose?

E: Not my favorite spice, that?s for sure.

F: Don't know, but Jean-Claude hasn't invited Anita out for Italian.

G: I?m not going to be saut?ing steak tartar in it anytime soon.

H: Human food in general is unpleasant to me.

I: Unfortunately, yes.

J: Well, my sense of smell is pretty acute?

K: Maybe.

L: No, garlic doesn?t trouble me.

Is the vampire capable of mind control?

A: I am cursed with the deviant power to control human minds.

B: The skill comes in handy during family rituals.

C: I can make a human experience a blackout.

D: Well, Carpathians ARE superior beings, even if we do tend to mind control our women for their own good.

E: My eyes and my voice can force you to do my bidding?much like a hypnotic Mr. Rogers.

F: Only if you look directly into their eyes . . . directly into their eyes.

G: We use this skill to delete the memories of casual feedings.

H: Human memories are like a chalkboard, and I have the eraser.

I: I can enter a human mind and direct her thoughts? buy tickets to my show?rub my feet?take off your shirt?

J: We can read minds that aren?t blocked off, and, if the person is subconsciously willing, we can do some mind control.

K: Yes.

L: I must admit, I possess that talent.

Can the vampire turn into an animal?

A: I have grown bored with such parlor tricks after my long, lonely life.

B: No, but animals are tasty.

C: I can travel like mist and I can shape-shift.

D: The wolf and the owl are our preferred forms of animal transmogrification. Very useful for spying on women or getting to the scene of the battle in time.

E: If I don?t want to deal with the Avon lady, I can turn into a brief shimmer of form and then?then nothing.

F: Only the strippers -- but that's not the kind of animal you were talking about, was it?

G: No.

H: There is a beast called The Hunger lurking close to the surface, but I keep it controlled.

I: Yes, I like to run with the wolves.

J: It is rumored the truly ancient vampires can fly, but that doesn?t mean they turn into bats to do it.

K: I don?t think so.

L: No, I cannot.

How does one become this type of vampire?

A: Oh, if only I could meet a woman with a soul so pure who would accept my Dark Gift and live with me forever!

B: Our women do not survive childbirth so we must mate with human women to propagate the species. Otherwise you have to be born a vampire.

C: The bite of a vampire will do it, but we are only allowed to make two of our kind per century. A bad vampire will also taint a human, making him or her go nuts.

D: If a human woman has special psychic powers, then we kind of insist she turn into a Carpathian and have us some babies.

E: I can give the dark kiss to mortal humans if I so choose. But would you choose this life?

F: Go to the wrong church, walk down the wrong ally, join the Mafia . . . pretty much a falling in with the wrong kind of non-people thing.

G: Three bites and you?re out.

H: Massive blood exchange followed by a year of training for the fledgling and then it?s time to fly away, because vampires are not good at sharing hunting grounds.

I: Well, it all began with the genetic experiments in Atlantis, and now it?s a blood exchange thing.

J: Humans who carry a rare blood antigen can become vampires, so we guard them carefully. We call them The Chosen. They are also total hotties.

K: Have vampire parents.

L: There have to be multiple feedings and an exchange of blood followed by a spot of dying.

Does the vampire have many enemies?

A: Mostly other cursed beings?and loneliness. We must remain hidden from the bulk of humanity or else be hunted to extinction. But would that be such a dreadful thing?

B: Psycho serial killers.

C: Most people don?t believe vampires exist, so our enemies are the same as anybody?s enemies plus the occasional renegade vampire.

D: Those pesky humans and their Vampire Society! Not to mention Carpathians gone bad, whom we spend our lives hunting down and destroying for the evil creatures that they are.

E: Unfortunately, yes.

F: Humans Against Vampires, The League of Human Voters, a few short-sighted politicians, the occasional traditional church, and, of course, the Regional Preternatural Investigation Team, not to mention the Executioner Anita Blake.

G: No, we are at the top of the food chain.

H: Mummies & demons. Oh, and wacko humans, particularly of the mad scientist variety.

I: The evil vampire queen and her zombie-vamps. Then there are the Warlocks. If we mistakenly bite one of those guys, we kick the ashcan.

J: The CIA?s Division of Paranormal Investigations is always hunting us down to do cruel, invasive experiments on us. Their methodology is far from humane.

K: Bad vamps are my main enemy.

L: Not really; I try to do unto others. But the enemy of my lover is my enemy.

Does the vampire have any other special qualities or abilities?

A: My long flowing black locks?

B: My blood can cure cancer; now don?t you wish you?d been nicer to me? I can also tolerate high degrees of heat and work wonders with glass.

C: True love can set you free.

D: Our soul mates allow us to see the world in Technicolor, feel emotion and avoid turning into evil vampires. We can also ?make? clothing and hairstyles with our mind power.

E: Besides superhuman strength, stealth and not aging? Nothing special.

F: Hot strip routines?bad comedy?lousy taste in ties?that really nice chest?oh yes, and the ability to mark people as servants so that they will live forever without actually becoming a vampire: all the benefits with none of the blood.

G: We can climb straight up walls.

H: I?m very dapper and related to King Henry.

I: If I don?t like the way yesterday went, I can travel through time and fix it. Plus I really rake in the bucks with my Las Vegas magic act.

J: Steamy sex vibes!

K: A nose for trouble.

L: I can walk on the bottom of the ocean and I?m an alchemist.

If you answered mostly A, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Ashlus. The Amanda Ashley vampire is not a cheerful sort, often regretting his many transgressions in the past in a very Joss Whedon ?Angel? sort of fashion. He is not inherently evil, although he might seem to be inherently depressed. Offer him some Prozac or your neck, whichever you think will have the best effect! If the Ashley vampire chooses to bite you and is a good guy, you won?t be hurt too badly.

If you answered mostly B, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Bergstromus. The Bergstrom vampires, whose stories were released as mainstream novels, belong to the long-lived Austra family who take pride in their stained glass business. While there are naughty vampires in the alien species, most of them are good folks. The primary male vampire, Stephen, whom you?re probably in the alley with, is an artistic soul who only kills really, really bad guys, so don?t fear the Reaper.

If you answered mostly C, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Drakus. Shannon Drake?s long-lived creatures are morally varied and often fond of New Orleans. They like to eat regular food, they can go out in the sun and they are easily able to blend with humankind. They can become human again if they love hard enough. If the Drake vampire bites you, it means you are probably a scummy person who deserves to have your head chopped off -- for that is what they do to their leftovers to prevent them from becoming evil vamps.

If you answered mostly D, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Feehanus. This type of vampire isn?t actually a vampire but is more of a pre-vampire. They are, in fact, a different race. Carpathian males are large, gorgeous, and very, very bossy. If single, they probably seem very tense because they are always in danger of going over the edge into ugly vampire-hell out of sheer loneliness. If the Feehan vampire bites you and you don?t happen to be a psychic female, you won?t remember a thing but you?ll probably be thirsty.

If you answered mostly E, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Gideonus. Gideon vampires frequently regret being turned into creatures of the night, so many spend time hunting down the dregs of vampire society and preventing them from harming any more humans. Gideon vampires are relatively traditional with some spicy sex tossed in as a nice dressing. If the Gideon vampire chooses to bite you, he is probably going to cloud your memory of the event in a courteous fashion.

If you answered mostly F, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Hamiltonus. Hamiltons come in all shapes and sizes, from fat bartenders to slim, svelte, multi-sexual master vampires. They can control human minds and have agreed to coexist with humankind?for the most part. They like to hang out in bars and scare the tourists. If the Hamilton vampire bites you, you probably begged him to do it.

If you answered mostly G, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Herterus. Lori Herter?s vampire romance series features individuals who often regret their vampirehood and seek to become mortal again. They have been called whiney, but don?t say that to their faces?their beautiful, sorrowful faces. If the Herter vampire bites you, it is likely that you are a willing donor.

If you answered mostly H, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Huffus. The primary vampire we get to know in the Huff series is Henry Fitzroy, a debonair descendent of King Henry VIII. He usually feeds from one of his friends or lovers, but he has been known to dine out. He?s suave, powerful and territorial, and if he decides to bite you, well, you?re gonna like it.

If you answered mostly I, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Millerus. The Miller vampires are neither wholly angst-ridden nor playful but are characterized by the ability to time travel and the occasional bout of reincarnation. They use this ability to go back in time and chow down on child molesters, rapists, murderers and dying soldiers. Miller vamps sometimes have truck with archangels, despite the fact that crosses and holy water are incompatible with them. If you are bitten by a Miller vampire, hope it?s one of the good guys.

If you answered mostly J, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Shaynus. Maggie Shayne?s vampire protagonists are relatively content and often have life partners?really long life partners. Each vampire also has a member of the ?Chosen? he or she is meant to look after, and sometimes that person turns into an eternal lover. If the Shayne vampire bites you, you are not likely to remember it because your memory will be wiped or the vampire is evil and you?ll be dead.

If you answered mostly K, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Sizemorus. Susan Sizemore?s vampire novels feature a pair of lovers who are growing closer as the series continues, and the hero is a vampire policeman. The Sizemore vamps are non-human to the extreme, being akin to ET. If one of these vampires is about to bite you, then one has to wonder how you became the sanctioned prey of the official hunt, you fox! Either that, or the vampire is a bad egg and you?d better hope the policeman hero shows up to rescue you.

If you answered mostly L, you?re about to be bitten by the Vampirus Yarbrus. The primary Yarbro vampire is le comte de Saint Germain, who makes a habit of visiting exotic locations and rescuing beleaguered women. Saint Germain is over 3,500 years old and has another habit of getting involved in the major events of each era in which he has lived. If the Yarbro vampire bites you, you will remember it as a pleasant dream, if you didn?t ask for it in a hot, sweaty love connection.

***

If you know of a vampire who needs to be interviewed for a follow-up article, please contact the editor to set up an appointment, though she will probably insist on email instead of a dark alley. We hope to do a similar field guide for up and coming vampire species whose creators haven?t published as many novels yet. Additionally, if you know for a fact that one of the above vampires was telling a little fib with one of his answers, please contact the editor so she can change things around. Those vampires do like their little jokes, after all.

Many thanks to the folks whom I harangued for vampire information, including, but not limited to: the wonderful members of the Romance-with-a-Bite Yahoo group; Vicky Crane, the spreadsheet maven; Jennifer Dunne, she who can be coerced; Patricia Altner, the vampire bibliography source; Ransom Schwerzler, she who can also be coerced; & Robert Eighteen-Bisang, Mr. Transylvania.